A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*