me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
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the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
u spoke cat all this time??????
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.