me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

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*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*


Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish


Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…


Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.


me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no


“IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN” I yell while running in the opposite direction.


A guy once told me life’s too short to stress, but it turned out that life’s much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.


The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…



[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”