@GrantTanaka

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

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@subtweetopath

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

@Jerrypleasure

Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish

@GensPlace

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…

@goldengateblond

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

@thisplacetho

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

@BackrowSeats

“IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN” I yell while running in the opposite direction.

@AristotlesNZ

A guy once told me life’s too short to stress, but it turned out that life’s much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.

@HandyJack420

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

@flashember

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”