me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
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CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Try and stop me.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.