ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.