Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]


Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…


Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…


i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle


[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened


Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.