Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.