Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”
Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
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Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.