Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
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“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*