Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

You Might Also Like


My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.


Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”


If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.


Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.


Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.


Pretty disappointed to see that some of you lived through the night.


One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history


“Ewww how’d that get in the house? I don’t wanna kill it. I’ll just put it outside”

*scoops your baby up in a tissue*


Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”