@Steven37366100

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

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@SamInspired

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: *opens door* Yes?
Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord?
Me: ..Of The Rings?
Him: Uh No..
*door slam*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

@IvoryGazelle

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

@RachelNoise

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

@leechee420

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

@putyoursisterd1

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

@PressOneForNo

When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off

@UncleDuke1969

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

@LizHackett

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.