Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Pretty disappointed to see that some of you lived through the night.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
“Ewww how’d that get in the house? I don’t wanna kill it. I’ll just put it outside”
*scoops your baby up in a tissue*
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”