Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

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Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.


Me: *opens door* Yes?
Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord?
Me: ..Of The Rings?
Him: Uh No..
*door slam*


I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.


do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit


Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs


$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”


12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.


When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off


[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.


Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.