Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*