Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.