Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Sorry not sorry.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Important
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.