@NewDadNotes

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

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@alexandraerin

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

@Demented_Jokes

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

@Trillburne

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

@bridger_w

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

@delusions_of

Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”

@MommaUnfiltered

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

@weinerdog4life

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

@thatUPSdude

Me: Can I get cheese on that?

Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.

Me: And?

@Wtftab

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

@GrantTanaka

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life