The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”
Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: Can I get cheese on that?
Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life