@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

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@ehdannyboy

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@gringothespice

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

@rainerfm

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

@primawesome

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

@cervixsmash

The first caterpillar to turn into a butterfly must of been like YOOOOOOOOO

@Ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@HomeWithPeanut

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

@THEDUTHCHESS

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

@LibyaLiberty

“So,why r all Arabs terrorists?”
‘All?’
“Well,most.”
‘There’s 369,243,763 Arabs.If they were mostly terrorists,you’d be dead’
#ArabInAmerica