ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
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It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
The first one, obviously
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?