ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.


It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.


My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.


Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.


[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT


Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”


I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking


Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.