@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: gimme a double

BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]

ME: no I meant a double Scotch

BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]

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@SJSchauer

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

@peytnhaag

my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling…. everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

@zachheltzel

“You’ll have more fun in high school, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in college, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in Hell, Zach.”

@sharpular

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

@KieranSoFar

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

@doktorj

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

@vexroid

This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.

@JohnLyonTweets

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?