Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
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USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.