Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
ME: gimme a double
BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]
ME: no I meant a double Scotch
BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]
You Might Also Like
my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling…. everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
“You’ll have more fun in high school, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in college, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in Hell, Zach.”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me: Good night Moon
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?