Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.