me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
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Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.