@CornOnTheGoblin

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

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@dril

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

@erikbransteen

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

@TheToddWilliams

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

@notsoevilrick

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

@Gupton68

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

@BestestNerdDad

When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.

@Ideal_Victoria

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

@AlanFelyk

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.