me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds