Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
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[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
lmao
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.