Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Festive toon…
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.