Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.