My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
OKAY DAD
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Feels like there should be a middle ground
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.