@TheHyyyype

ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away

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@Gupton68

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

@the_tsai_guy

People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.

@chuuew

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

@LosLos__

Teach your kids cursive and they won’t get copied from in school.

@smashbrown_

Gas prices have me feeling like I’m robbing the gas station. “Just leave, before they change their mind.”

@TheMichaelRock

Computer: do you want to save the changes?

Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES

@lizmiele

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

@ddsmidt

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*