I am a(n):
鈿笍 man
鈿笍 woman
馃敇 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 馃檨
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn鈥檛 wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Sorry I didn鈥檛 do something sooner, I just couldn鈥檛 tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
my anaconda don鈥檛 want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where鈥檇 you get it?
Store mannequin:
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Need some quiet time this Mother鈥檚 Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like鈥round the house?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Not trying to brag but my son鈥檚 teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist