ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away

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The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.


People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.


ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.


Teach your kids cursive and they won’t get copied from in school.


Gas prices have me feeling like I’m robbing the gas station. “Just leave, before they change their mind.”


Computer: do you want to save the changes?

Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES


I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.


Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*