My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Important reminders
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis