@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

You Might Also Like

@iscoff

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

@Parkerlawyer

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

@UncleDuke1969

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

@3sunzzz

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

@Sickayduh

Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park II
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park IIII
Jurassic Park IIIII
[this fence is taking forever]

@DadBeard

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.