ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You Might Also Like
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
(Jupiter –
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.