@alexlumaga

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

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@JessObsess

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

@justmiche74

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

@TheBeerGuy73

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

@trojansauce

[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

@KateWhineHall

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

@WilliamAder

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

@SortaBad

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

@LittleLostLad

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.