Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
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Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.