Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*


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My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.


Me *whispers*: I need your mouth on me
Him: Yeah? Where?
M *fingers traveling down: Here
H: WTF is THAT?!
M: Snakebite. Stop wasting time


You wake up one day and all the world has turned to Greg. You’re surprised, you did not see this coming. In the kitchen your boyfriend Greg greets you with a cup of greg. Greg, he says with a smile. Greg, you answer, and it just fees right, the gregness of it all.


It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”


I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.



The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.


[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows


Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”


Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.