Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*


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Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.


Strangely enough, yelling “I have a masters degree!” at this electric wine opener is not helping me figure out how to make it work. Weird.


date: i am interested in a charming guy

[to impress her]

me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake


My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.


Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful


Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.


Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat


“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England