@c12h22o11balls

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

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@HatfieldAnne

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

@badteacher4u

Strangely enough, yelling “I have a masters degree!” at this electric wine opener is not helping me figure out how to make it work. Weird.

@Jerrypleasure

date: i am interested in a charming guy

[to impress her]

me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake

@dshack8

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

@Michael1979

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

@o__0Dev

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

@Book_Krazy

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

@TheAlexNevil

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England