Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
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Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do