Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
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What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
The truth will set you free. Unless the truth is you committed murder. In which, the truth will get you 25 to life.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body
[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood
[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How’s your night?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I don’t know why I’m laughing 😂😂