@nbadag

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

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@hasht4g

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

@TheSnideOne

What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

@wescraw

The truth will set you free. Unless the truth is you committed murder. In which, the truth will get you 25 to life.

@daemonic3

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

@GrantTanaka

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

@Sassafrantz

I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How’s your night?

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.