[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
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Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.