The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.
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3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds
My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”
Friend: “My birthday”
My friend and I: