me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

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But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”


Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.


Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security



As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..


I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.


god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok


My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.


“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“But why?”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”