@UncleDuke1969

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

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@onume_

The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.

@JordanRowes

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

@c12h22o11balls

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

@UnFitz

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

@NotZaphod

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

@NaeemHoosain

1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds

My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎

@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

@HansGrubertron

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

@Abdithugger

Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”

Friend: “My birthday”

My friend and I: