ME: what is an IV for
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
There’s plenty of trash in the sea.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”