me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

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The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.


3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then


Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop


People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?


Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.


1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds

My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎


ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?



[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda


Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”

Friend: “My birthday”

My friend and I: