Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
You Might Also Like
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Me too 😆
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.