Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

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Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.


Me: What do you want for breakfast?


Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?


[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.


5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up!
Me: What? What’s wrong?
5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7..
Me: It’s 4am!
5yo: I can’t tell time..


I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”


[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.


Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.


Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.