Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.