My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: Go ahead.
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
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Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up!
Me: What? What’s wrong?
5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7..
Me: It’s 4am!
5yo: I can’t tell time..
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
An odd boast
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.