Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds