Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
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Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*