Me: God give me inner peace.

God: Here.

Me: Um, this is bubble wrap.

God: What you do with it is upto you.

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[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark


The best thing about the Pluto image from NASA is the silhouette of Pluto the dog right on it.


[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.


*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*



Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween


Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can


[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?


Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!


Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.


Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye