Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
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ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Fluff me with a fork baby
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
A friend helps you before you need it
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I will never stop laughing at this
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.