[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me: God give me inner peace.
Me: Um, this is bubble wrap.
God: What you do with it is upto you.
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The best thing about the Pluto image from NASA is the silhouette of Pluto the dog right on it.
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can
Wife: This is terrible.
Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.