@SilleVio

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

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@fillthevacuum

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

@AimeeHelene1

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

@Shen_the_Bird

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

@heyitsJudeD

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

@WowYoureFunny

If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?

@Book_Krazy

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

@orange_rhymer

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

@lilgapeach30

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.