
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
*Sneaks into men’s toilets*
I HEAR THERE’S CAKE IN HERE
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.