Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.