Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living


Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc


Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”


This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs


Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.


I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.


my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast


Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.


I stopped fighting my inner demons; We’re totes BFFs now.