@SilleVio

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

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@TheIronSherk

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

@markhoppus

I need a keyboard shortcut for “sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your email…”

@tarashoe

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

@E_lok44

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

@Home_Halfway

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

@bourgeoisalien

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

@callmeEvian

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”J0hnnyBlaze”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3031129469/e6b90560ea56fb150f5a77fe8c7a14cc_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”336301334074638336″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”388″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@aligarchy

DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO