@SilleVio

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

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@Gupton68

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

@a_simpl_man

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

@radtoria

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

@radtoria

SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

@IvoryGazelle

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

@702Austin

i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date

@10InchesPlus

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

@fowlerism

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

@LizHackett

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.