Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
The devil.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.