me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
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the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT