When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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I was worried I was going insane, hearing voices of disembodied demons bidding me to do their will. My pet rabbit just confessed she finished a book on throwing her voice. What a relief! I thought it was weird that all the demons wanted me to do was bring carrots to Hairy Potter.
When my child is born I’ll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say “Thats my son. The fast one.”
*never calls toe again*
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.