Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been