Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.


Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.


Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.


[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.


FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.


It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.


She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.


Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas


I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.