me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
me: hello?

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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance


Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?


Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!


DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*


“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*


My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.


Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.


*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”


DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
HITLER: omfg


Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.