@PaperWash

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

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@WiseguyPictures

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

@zebrasyndicate

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

@MrRamBillings

Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!

@BlindChow

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

@SortaBad

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

@Marlebean

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

@clindsaysway

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

@murrman5

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

@pharmasean

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

@AdamOfEarth

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.