me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
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friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?