Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism


Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.


I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.


oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog


Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.


[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?


My neighbors are fighting so I’m playing sad love songs really loud for them to set the tone, everyone deserves background music.


teens don’t realize how privileged they are to have these smartphones. it used to be you’d have to read shampoo ingredients on the toilet but now with the phones you can just snap a pic of the bottle and read them wherever


Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.


I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You’d have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.