@theriouthly

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

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@SaraMansford

I wish scientists could make us as indestructible as cartoons. I’ve got a list of people I’d like to drop an anvil on.

@JohnLyonTweets

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

@notsoevilrick

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

@chuuew

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

@AngelaEhh

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

@bigmacher

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

@greg_vee

If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.