ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.