Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
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doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Got him!
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.