Me: Going to stop being mad. Maybe take up meditation

Person in front of me at Chipotle: I’m ordering for 5 people

Me: I will kill you

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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]


If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene


People are always coming up to me and asking me, “How’d you do it? What’s your secret? How’d you gain so much weight so fast?”


If you don’t like my selfies, maybe you shouldn’t have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren’t ready to handle that kind of responsibility


I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “


Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it


My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”


I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.


For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.


Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.