@InternetHippo

Me: Going to stop being mad. Maybe take up meditation

Person in front of me at Chipotle: I’m ordering for 5 people

Me: I will kill you

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@iwearaonesie

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

@Fred_Delicious

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

@ComedicBust

People are always coming up to me and asking me, “How’d you do it? What’s your secret? How’d you gain so much weight so fast?”

@VodkaThursday

If you don’t like my selfies, maybe you shouldn’t have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren’t ready to handle that kind of responsibility

@farouq_yahaya

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@coffeeandvinyl1

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

@RoosterMustache

I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

@AllieGoertz

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

@JasonLastname

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.