Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.
Me: Gonna go see Gym.
Friend: You mean go to the gym?
Me: No, Gym is Geoff’s brother.
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If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.