Me: Gonna go see Gym.

Friend: You mean go to the gym?

Me: No, Gym is Geoff’s brother.

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Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.


If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.


I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.


Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……


Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.


Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…


[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles


I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.