Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
i really liked this one
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?