@LosLos__

Me: Gonna go see Gym.

Friend: You mean go to the gym?

Me: No, Gym is Geoff’s brother.

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@_steamy_mac

Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.

@roywoodjr

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

@TawaNicolas

I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.

@gvicks

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

@AddledPixie

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

@nbadag

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

@doooiiiit

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.