ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
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A small tragedy.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
🔦🌙👣
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
The internet is full of many things
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys