@SortaBad

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

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@behindyourback

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

@NewDadNotes

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

@ShortSleeveSuit

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

@SaveItForFest

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

@ClichedOut

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@sickipediabot

When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold.

When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.

@sixfootcandy

Him: I think I’m getting sick.

Me: Do you want some euthanasia?

Him: I’m pretty sure it’s called echinacea.

Me: Tomato, tomahto.

@WilliamAder

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.