me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.