ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
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A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Social distancing in Australia:
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.