@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: Good night, moon.

[30 mins later]

Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?

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@drinksmcgee

Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?
Dog:

@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

@DonnaBW4

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

@sophielou

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

@OBiiieeee

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

@DanMentos

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

@trevso_electric

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

@iwearaonesie

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

@TheBoydP

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.