Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
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Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle