Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
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The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
How to draw a duck
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey