Me: “Goodnight Bed.”
Bed: “New foam who dis?”

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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.


Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?

Me: You mean…other than wifi?


Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*

Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?


I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.


me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins


trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence


“Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today.”
-the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now


A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.