Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.


Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs


My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.


It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.


Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.


Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.


I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.


Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you’re out of Valium


If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.



me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!