Me: goodnight kids

Kids: goodnight dad

Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad

Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT

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My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.


My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.


It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.


I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.


If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.


[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT


“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.


I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.


I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular