Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: goodnight kids
Kids: goodnight dad
Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad
Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
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overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
FUN BIT OF TRIVIA…The hard-working individuals who discover and preserve ancient pastas and breads are called starchaeologists.