me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.